The Pressure of Being Everything to Everyone
On May 16th, 2025—International Day of the Boy Child—@oc_olorunfemi posted on X (formerly Twitter):
“Happy Boys Day to all the boys who had to become men too early. When all the dust settles, you will enjoy your boyhood again ❤️.”
That tweet hit home!
Too often, boys are thrust into manhood long before they’re ready—before they even have time to figure out who they are. They’re expected to toughen up, provide, lead, sacrifice, and somehow still “be okay” and this demand shows up not just in expectations but in the unspoken weight society places on them.
Society’s definition of a “real man” is like chasing a ghost—unreachable and constantly shifting. He must be the Mayegun of Arumoje Land, a Deacon at church, Oloriebi of the Aguntasoolo family, husband to his gorgeous wife, father of five, and the breadwinner for both his immediate and extended family but here’s the real question: Who is he to himself?
In trying to be everything to everyone—father, brother, son, friend—many men lose themselves. They forget how to check in with their emotions, to pour into their own cups before pouring into others. Sadly, when they finally realize they’ve stretched too thin, they’re already in their 70s or 80s. Maybe even too late!
The Nigerian (African) Family Man: Expectations Without Rest
Growing up, Abdullahi always wondered why his father would sit alone in the front balcony every night, saying he was “just getting fresh air.” He never knew Baba was sitting in silence, trying to process everything he couldn’t say out loud—rent due, unpaid school fees, rising prices, the constant job hunt. By morning, Baba puts on a brave face. The society he grew up in taught him that men don’t vent. Men don’t cry. Men manage.
However, this “management” has consequences. His kids may feel disconnected from him not because he doesn’t love them but because his emotional absence is misread as disinterest. They only see the man who pays the bills, not the man who is struggling silently. They don’t understand that their father is not avoiding them, he’s simply trying to keep it together.
Friendship & Brotherhood: Where’s the Depth?
In the long list of roles a man plays—father, son, brother, husband—being a friend is often the one most needed but least nurtured. Among many Nigerian men, friendships stay at surface level. They revolve around football, politics, and beer parlour banter. Real talk? Rare! Vulnerability? Taboo! It’s ironic that so many men are going through the same things, yet can’t open up to each other.
Even in “brotherhood,” men sometimes feel more like competitors than companions. Everyone’s scared to seem weak, so they show up only when things are going well. You’ll hear “Omo, no dull!” or “Guy, you strong die!” but not “How are you really doing?”
The cultural script praises performance—how much you earn, how much you achieve—but rarely asks how much you’re carrying. You can ask for a job plug or financial bailout, but the moment you say “I’m not okay,” someone hits you with “You be woman?” So, men walk around with deep emotional wounds, hiding them behind smiles, sarcasm, and half-jokes. They have “paddies” for vibes, but not one person they can be soft with.
The Isolation Trap: Seen by All, Known by None
He is visible everywhere, but known nowhere. Every day, he wears his titles like badges: CEO, Father, Husband, Elder, Provider but he’s still the same “boy alone” he was years ago. He’s surrounded by expectations, yet emotionally isolated.
Worse, it’s not just emotional—it’s existential. If who you are is defined by what you do, what happens when you stop doing? Who are you when you fail at one role? Or when you’re just… tired? Who are you when no one needs anything from you anymore?
This is how mental breakdowns begin. The man who looks fine to everyone suddenly snaps, leaves, or gives up and society acts surprised: “But he never looked like someone going through anything.”
Truth is, he was probably going through a lot. He just had no one to tell.
Also, in his old age, the cycle continues. His wife is with the kids abroad, and his children barely call. He’s retired, out of the limelight, and the next generation has taken over the Mayegun title. The “boy alone” becomes an old man alone, still suffering in silence—only now the silence is louder.
Redefining Relationships: Let Men Be More Than Just Doers
It doesn’t have to stay this way. Our fathers, brothers, and friends shouldn’t live as prisoners of expectations. It’s time for a reset.
Let’s redefine masculinity and its relationship dynamics. Men must be seen and valued not just for what they do, but for who they are. A father should be more than a breadwinner; he should also be a nurturer. A friend should not just hype you up for wins, but hold space for your lows too.
We need to stop teaching boys that vulnerability is weakness. Vulnerability is humanity. When men are free to share fears, doubts, and pain without shame, they build deeper connections—ones rooted in authenticity, not fear.
Undoing the “boy alone” narrative means creating interdependence that feels safe. It means normalizing emotional check-ins among male friends, encouraging openness without sarcasm, and reintroducing emotional literacy. Even for the older men, it’s not too late. As a society, we must include them in the healing too. This work isn’t just personal, it’s generational. As we raise the next generation, we must also restore the current one.
Our fathers deserve better, our brothers deserve healing and our sons need a new script!
Practical Tips to Start Redefining Connection
- Create safe spaces: Start friend groups where check-ins are real. “Omo, how you dey hold up?” can go a long way.
- Talk during hangouts: While watching a match or eating suya, add heart-level gist to your banter.
- Therapy isn’t taboo: Encourage each other to seek counseling. It’s strength, not shame.
- Celebrate emotional growth: Compliment your guy for being honest or showing vulnerability.
- Model the change: Be the one who speaks up. Your courage might open the door for someone else.
Final Note: Every Role, Every Man, Deserves Emotional Peace
Men are not robots. They are not cash machines or status holders. They are sons, brothers, lovers, dreamers, and feelers. They carry so much but even a pillar needs rest. Let’s stop the cycle of “boy alone.”
Let’s give our men a chance to breathe, feel, and heal and let’s start by being the friend, sibling, or partner who sees them fully not just for what they do, but for who they are because behind every “I’m fine,” might be a man wishing he could say more.